For years nobody believed me if I said I thought something was wrong. The first few years they said he couldn't be ADHD because he doesn't get in trouble. Then when he starts getting in trouble they say it is because I am a bad mom and I have no right to make up a condition to try and excuse he behavioir. Same people that told me nothing was wrong said I was neglectful for not getting him on medication sooner. Assholes.
Years of trying diet, exercise, vitamins, anything but drugs... we broke down and got the kid drugs. Concerta.
I have spent so much time beng called a bad mother by teachers, cops, etc. After 3 days of drama with insurance company we finally get to pick up the meds. Nice grandmotherly pharmacy lady comes to talk to us and is shocked that he hasn't been given medication before the age of 17, then she tells me I am a good mother for handling it the way I have for so long. Good mother? I've heard it twice in the last few months, I cried both times.
First 48 hours, amazing. We can have conversations without me repeating everything at least three times, he goes to bed and falls asleep, wakes up in the morning, does chores and homework. No fidgeting, no paranoia, no twitching, constant movement is gone, the kid can sit still and relax.
He has a checkup on the 20th, we will see how things are progressing then.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
from the frying pan into the fire
Does this really end? People keep telling me so but I don't know if I believe it anymore.
We have gone from petty theft, stupid bull shit that is not even a crime (but once in trouble always in trouble), gang related crimes, more bull shit, drinking, pot, now this? I didn't think there was anything left but I was WRONG AGAIN.
When will I learn. How can we expect our kids learn and be able to teach them if we can't even keep up or imagine the problems that come up next?
Somedays I think I am the worst mother in the world, or at least the stupidest.
THEN the courts tell you they are designed to help... that is what they say just before tossing 3 road blocks and a hurdle made of barb wire in your path.
I am not even allowed to take my kid to the doctor because it is not an "emergency" yet I can't bring him home because he is a danger to himself? WTF?
We have gone from petty theft, stupid bull shit that is not even a crime (but once in trouble always in trouble), gang related crimes, more bull shit, drinking, pot, now this? I didn't think there was anything left but I was WRONG AGAIN.
When will I learn. How can we expect our kids learn and be able to teach them if we can't even keep up or imagine the problems that come up next?
Somedays I think I am the worst mother in the world, or at least the stupidest.
THEN the courts tell you they are designed to help... that is what they say just before tossing 3 road blocks and a hurdle made of barb wire in your path.
I am not even allowed to take my kid to the doctor because it is not an "emergency" yet I can't bring him home because he is a danger to himself? WTF?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
vent and refocus
Long day. Work was hard, and stressful. A customer came in to place an ad in our new service directory, had to scan a couple logos for him and fine a testimonial from a past customer he likes to use, redesign and get it all set up. While doing all this he is telling me about his 2.5 month wait to find out if had prostate cancer (which he doesn't); we also talk about his FRONT PAGE story written by Rick Steigmeyer http://www.wenatcheeworld.com/news/2010/feb/12/defense-class-flexes-confidence/
While taking care of Greg, and ordering him photos from the story and selling him 4 more copies of the paper I also answered the phone several times and helped three different people at the counter. As usual, one coworker was giving me some dirty looks complete with eye-rolling and another made a couple "interesting" comments. I can't wait for the day to be over and go home to relax.
I come home and Cody asks for a ride to his sisters house which is by Shopko, also by my favorite Chinese restaurant that I wanted to eat at Monday but was closed. I say I will take him there and figure Jake and I can finally have our Chinese food. I get to Shopko and Jake hops out too, I was like WTF??? Jake starts telling me how Cody was supposed to let me know, then Cody buts in. I tell Cody to back off because this is between Jake and I and remind Jake it is HIS job to communicate with me and not Cody's. They boys promise Cody's sister will bring Jake home in an hour. I go grocery shopping and come home. I have another great idea for dinner and am ready to start cooking! Aaron is on the front porch and I tell him Jake should be back shortly. I check my phone and I have multiple messages from CODY asking if Jake can stay a couple more hours, blah blah blah. I try and call Jake, but no answer. I reply back, NO, tell Jake to call me now. Cody texts back acting like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I tell Cody to just give me the damn address and I will pick Jake up. Finally jake sends a text saying his phone was in his pocket, I'm already on my way to get him, with Aaron. I have to stop for gas because I am almost out, and that pisses me off even more. Aaron and I get to where Jake is and I have texts from Cody "if Joey and I have to stay here that is OK but do we have to" I had no time to answer, all three are piling in my car but it is full of groceries! I finally get them all home, dinner plan two ruined. During all of this my brother is drunk texting asking where the hookers are then wants me to go get his dog, then him and drive him somewhere else. Enough is enough, I say NO! I just want to go cry but have no place to hide.
So after a day from hell I post:
implosion or explosion
Which is it when you have just had enough and feel like emotions could either explode or just shut down entirely? Do I have a choice or does one lead to the other? I want to totally withdraw, sleep, avoid the reality, disappear from the world. Not permanently, not suicidal or anything like that, just really really tired. I care so much that it hurts and leads to me not caring at all
THEN one of Jake's friends, Aaron, is here as I am serving up a very late dinner, pasta, alfredo sauce, frozen chicken breast strips and garlic bread. Aaron is drooling over the food and Jake offers him some, he looks at me and I let him know there is plenty. He DIGS in and then comes back for seconds. Aaron is 18, lives at home in a VERY nice neighborhood and an even NICER house. He is still in high school, good student, no drugs, drinking, etc. Gets good grades, no criminal record, not a fighter, in fact he is really a nice boy to the point of being a goody-two-shoe geek, I love him! He is STARVING. Turns out since he turned 18 his parents no longer feed him more than one meal per day!!! WTF???? So the kid comes to the ghetto to eat, sheesh. Joey, another friend of Jake's, doesn't even like the kid much but Joey told him he could come over to his house anytime he was hungry and he would feed him. I am done feeling sorry for myself now. As crazy as my life can be sometimes, my family does love me and would do anything for me, even if sometimes I have to go a little bat-shit-crazy once in a while.
Now what I need to do is focus on my goals I set for myself:
Go to the gym at LEAST 3 times per week
AND
Take more pictures, I love pictures.
While taking care of Greg, and ordering him photos from the story and selling him 4 more copies of the paper I also answered the phone several times and helped three different people at the counter. As usual, one coworker was giving me some dirty looks complete with eye-rolling and another made a couple "interesting" comments. I can't wait for the day to be over and go home to relax.
I come home and Cody asks for a ride to his sisters house which is by Shopko, also by my favorite Chinese restaurant that I wanted to eat at Monday but was closed. I say I will take him there and figure Jake and I can finally have our Chinese food. I get to Shopko and Jake hops out too, I was like WTF??? Jake starts telling me how Cody was supposed to let me know, then Cody buts in. I tell Cody to back off because this is between Jake and I and remind Jake it is HIS job to communicate with me and not Cody's. They boys promise Cody's sister will bring Jake home in an hour. I go grocery shopping and come home. I have another great idea for dinner and am ready to start cooking! Aaron is on the front porch and I tell him Jake should be back shortly. I check my phone and I have multiple messages from CODY asking if Jake can stay a couple more hours, blah blah blah. I try and call Jake, but no answer. I reply back, NO, tell Jake to call me now. Cody texts back acting like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I tell Cody to just give me the damn address and I will pick Jake up. Finally jake sends a text saying his phone was in his pocket, I'm already on my way to get him, with Aaron. I have to stop for gas because I am almost out, and that pisses me off even more. Aaron and I get to where Jake is and I have texts from Cody "if Joey and I have to stay here that is OK but do we have to" I had no time to answer, all three are piling in my car but it is full of groceries! I finally get them all home, dinner plan two ruined. During all of this my brother is drunk texting asking where the hookers are then wants me to go get his dog, then him and drive him somewhere else. Enough is enough, I say NO! I just want to go cry but have no place to hide.
So after a day from hell I post:
implosion or explosion
Which is it when you have just had enough and feel like emotions could either explode or just shut down entirely? Do I have a choice or does one lead to the other? I want to totally withdraw, sleep, avoid the reality, disappear from the world. Not permanently, not suicidal or anything like that, just really really tired. I care so much that it hurts and leads to me not caring at all
THEN one of Jake's friends, Aaron, is here as I am serving up a very late dinner, pasta, alfredo sauce, frozen chicken breast strips and garlic bread. Aaron is drooling over the food and Jake offers him some, he looks at me and I let him know there is plenty. He DIGS in and then comes back for seconds. Aaron is 18, lives at home in a VERY nice neighborhood and an even NICER house. He is still in high school, good student, no drugs, drinking, etc. Gets good grades, no criminal record, not a fighter, in fact he is really a nice boy to the point of being a goody-two-shoe geek, I love him! He is STARVING. Turns out since he turned 18 his parents no longer feed him more than one meal per day!!! WTF???? So the kid comes to the ghetto to eat, sheesh. Joey, another friend of Jake's, doesn't even like the kid much but Joey told him he could come over to his house anytime he was hungry and he would feed him. I am done feeling sorry for myself now. As crazy as my life can be sometimes, my family does love me and would do anything for me, even if sometimes I have to go a little bat-shit-crazy once in a while.
Now what I need to do is focus on my goals I set for myself:
Go to the gym at LEAST 3 times per week
AND
Take more pictures, I love pictures.
implosion or explosion
Which is it when you have just had enough and feel like emotions could either explode or just shut down entirely? Do I have a choice or does one lead to the other? I want to totally withdraw, sleep, avoid the reality, disappear from the world. Not permanently, not suicidal or anything like that, just really really tired. I care so much that it hurts and leads to me not caring at all.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
2 years condensed into two pages...
Sept. 5, 2009 about 1:30 a.m. many lives were changed. A miracle took place on the corner of Walker and Peachy Streets. Most involved don't even know, others have no idea of the part they played. I still can't quit crying. Thank you and I love you all.
AM~
There have been four big moments in my life that gave me the kind of happiness that no words can express. The first was the day I got engaged, the second was the day I married the love of my life. The day I found out I was pregnant and the day I gave birth to the only child I would ever be able to have.
Fourteen years later came the darkest days. The day I learned about he monsters in the hole, the monsters that stole my baby. The day my son put me 2nd behind evil. The day my world crumpled from underneath me and I thought the fall would never end.
Through the dark time I found the strength to fight for my son, the bond between mother and child is not something that can be broken or given up on. Some said I was crazy, others stupid. Then there were those who even called me criminal. Some of my own family told me to give up, I was wasting my time. I would not give up on him, that is impossible.
Two years is a long time to fight. I was drowning in exhaustion and stress beyond belief. I risked my job and my marriage but giving up is not part of my vocabulary. You never quit on your loved ones, your child. Through this battle I met a handful of people that believed in my fight, believed in my son. People that stood by me and some to fight with me, for him.
Jake had jumped down a deep hole, a hole that led to excitement, friends to bond strongly with, friends he thought he would have for life. Friends I knew that would lead him to his death. Jake only saw the security of a group that would protect him, that cared for him. He kept going down the hole, I was hanging over the edge, calling out, reaching out for him. My voice went hoarse and my arms went numb, but I never left my post.,
Once in a while Jake would look up, and I would see my baby, then the dark would suck him back down. Sometimes he started back up but just before he could reach my hand he was pulled back down by his ankles by the evil that lurked in the bottom. Every time he got close to me he fell down the hole even further than the last time.
Jake got tired, as tired as me probably. He found a ledge about halfway down and stopped to rest, he fell asleep for a very long time, he dreamed. In his dream he saw what was really at the end of that hole... evil, violence, death, destruction. He could also see the light above and feel the warmth of unconditional love that never left him. He stayed on that ledge a long time, caring so much about the people above and below, he didn't want to hurt anybody.
Then he realized he had to make a choice,not for those above or below, but for himself. He woke with a new strength and amazing energy. He started climbing up out of the hole. It was a long hard climb, much hard to climb up hill when tired, then slide down full of energy. Every now and then he slipped a bit but he never quit trying to climb back up, did not give up. I stayed guard over that hole, waiting patiently, reaching out so he could see my hand was there when he was ready to take it.
Then I fell asleep, just for a short time, I didn't mean to but I was beaten down, wore out. I couldn't see him anymore, panic set in. I was so scared that because I fell asleep he thought I gave up, I yelled, cried, stared into the darkness trying to see him. He was gone. I thought my world was over.
Behind me I heard something familiar but out of place, it was my son's voice. I heard him “mom, I love you better”. He was not in the hole, he was beside me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face I had not seen in a very long time, his eyes alive and arms open. I got the best hug of my life, we didn't let go for a very long time. I am not tired anymore. The monsters said they don't want him anymore. They said for him to stay out of their hole, and they will stay out of our light. One little monster heard this and was sad, he didn't want to be without Jake but the big monsters said that the only way to be with Jake was to leave them also. I heard a sound, turned, and there was one more young boy coming out of the hole, squinting in the light. This boy had been down the hole much deeper and longer than Jake. The sun is hurting his eyes and burning his skin, he has been out of it for so long. But he likes it.
My son found his life and helped somebody else find theirs. Just when you think there is no good that can come of something, you get a surprise.
AM~
There have been four big moments in my life that gave me the kind of happiness that no words can express. The first was the day I got engaged, the second was the day I married the love of my life. The day I found out I was pregnant and the day I gave birth to the only child I would ever be able to have.
Fourteen years later came the darkest days. The day I learned about he monsters in the hole, the monsters that stole my baby. The day my son put me 2nd behind evil. The day my world crumpled from underneath me and I thought the fall would never end.
Through the dark time I found the strength to fight for my son, the bond between mother and child is not something that can be broken or given up on. Some said I was crazy, others stupid. Then there were those who even called me criminal. Some of my own family told me to give up, I was wasting my time. I would not give up on him, that is impossible.
Two years is a long time to fight. I was drowning in exhaustion and stress beyond belief. I risked my job and my marriage but giving up is not part of my vocabulary. You never quit on your loved ones, your child. Through this battle I met a handful of people that believed in my fight, believed in my son. People that stood by me and some to fight with me, for him.
Jake had jumped down a deep hole, a hole that led to excitement, friends to bond strongly with, friends he thought he would have for life. Friends I knew that would lead him to his death. Jake only saw the security of a group that would protect him, that cared for him. He kept going down the hole, I was hanging over the edge, calling out, reaching out for him. My voice went hoarse and my arms went numb, but I never left my post.,
Once in a while Jake would look up, and I would see my baby, then the dark would suck him back down. Sometimes he started back up but just before he could reach my hand he was pulled back down by his ankles by the evil that lurked in the bottom. Every time he got close to me he fell down the hole even further than the last time.
Jake got tired, as tired as me probably. He found a ledge about halfway down and stopped to rest, he fell asleep for a very long time, he dreamed. In his dream he saw what was really at the end of that hole... evil, violence, death, destruction. He could also see the light above and feel the warmth of unconditional love that never left him. He stayed on that ledge a long time, caring so much about the people above and below, he didn't want to hurt anybody.
Then he realized he had to make a choice,not for those above or below, but for himself. He woke with a new strength and amazing energy. He started climbing up out of the hole. It was a long hard climb, much hard to climb up hill when tired, then slide down full of energy. Every now and then he slipped a bit but he never quit trying to climb back up, did not give up. I stayed guard over that hole, waiting patiently, reaching out so he could see my hand was there when he was ready to take it.
Then I fell asleep, just for a short time, I didn't mean to but I was beaten down, wore out. I couldn't see him anymore, panic set in. I was so scared that because I fell asleep he thought I gave up, I yelled, cried, stared into the darkness trying to see him. He was gone. I thought my world was over.
Behind me I heard something familiar but out of place, it was my son's voice. I heard him “mom, I love you better”. He was not in the hole, he was beside me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face I had not seen in a very long time, his eyes alive and arms open. I got the best hug of my life, we didn't let go for a very long time. I am not tired anymore. The monsters said they don't want him anymore. They said for him to stay out of their hole, and they will stay out of our light. One little monster heard this and was sad, he didn't want to be without Jake but the big monsters said that the only way to be with Jake was to leave them also. I heard a sound, turned, and there was one more young boy coming out of the hole, squinting in the light. This boy had been down the hole much deeper and longer than Jake. The sun is hurting his eyes and burning his skin, he has been out of it for so long. But he likes it.
My son found his life and helped somebody else find theirs. Just when you think there is no good that can come of something, you get a surprise.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)