Sunday, June 26, 2011

Helpless & Unknown

so afraid he is going to die

kill himself with this shit.

making poison. experimenting.

killing. death. destruction.

pain. broken. lost. fear. unknown.


Unknown- that is the worst.

the fear. the uncertainty.

the Helplessness.


Helpless to stop the Unknown.


must keep living everyday

my life. my dreams. my goals.

Helpless gets nothing done.

Unknown cannot be stoppped.


Unknown will reveal his true self

when the time comes. then

Helpless can know.


Until then, as Helpless as I am

I cannot stop the Unknown.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I wish I could murder meth

I do not have the ability to put my thoughts into my own words, all I can do at this time is borrow a poem written by somebody else, and cry myself to sleep because my son is so wrapped up he can't even remember it is mother's day.  He walked out 2 months ago to live in a tweak house, says he wants to make something of his life and we are holding him back... FUCK YOU METH!


Hello, My Friend 
I destroy homes.  I tear families apart.
I take children and that’s just a start.
I’m more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold.
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember, I’m easily found.
I live all around you, in school and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor.
I live just down the street, and maybe next door.
I’m made in a lab, but not one like you think.
I can be made under the kitchen sink, or in your
Child’s closet, even out in the woods.
If this scares you to death, it certainly should.
I have many names, but there’s one you’ll know best.
I’m sure you’ve heard of me.  My name’s Crystal Meth.
My power is awesome.  Try me.  You’ll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once, I might let you go.
Try me twice and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie.
You’ll do what you have to, just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in my arms.
You’ll lie to your mother, you’ll steal from your dad.
When you see their tear, you must not feel sad.
Just forget your morals, and how you were raised.
I’ll be your conscience.  I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents.  I take parents from kids.
I turn people from God.  I separate friends.
I’ll take everything from you, even your good looks and
Pride.  I’ll be with you always, right by your side.
You’ll give up everything.  Your family, your home.
Your money, your friends, you’ll be all alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take till you’ve no more to give.
When I finish with you, you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me, be warned.  THIS IS NOT A GAME.
If I’m given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravage your body.  I’ll control your mind.
I’ll own you completely.  Your soul will be MINE.
The nightmares I’ll five you when you’re lying in bed,
And the voices you hear from inside your head.
The shakes, the sweats, and the visions you’ll see.
 I want you to know, these are your gifts from me.
By then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart,
That you are now mine, and we shall not part.
You’ll regret that you tried me.  They always do.
But you came to me.  Not I to you.
You knew this would happen.  How many times were you told?
But you challenged my power.  You chose to be bold.
You could have said “no” and just walked away.
If you could live over, now what would you say?
My power is awesome, as I told you before.
I can take your mother and turn her into a whore.
I’ll be your master, you’ll do as I say,
Even when I tell you to go to your grave.
Now that you’ve met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?  It’s all up to you.
I can show you more misery than words can tell.
Come, take my hand.  Let me lead you to hell. 
Anonymous

Sunday, January 16, 2011

So I Thought, Now I Am

I thought I was giving so much of myself to everybody and that is why I have been so sick and depressed and tired.  What I now realize is that I have only been trying so hard that all I have accomplished is sharing the worst parts of myself and slowing killing the best parts by neglecting them.  THAT CHANGES NOW!  This will not happen overnight but it will happen.  I will take small steps every day to better myself so that what I share of myself will be good, positive, loving, motivating.  I wil not be perfect, I will trip but I will not fall.  Nor will I beat myself up when I stumble.  Instead I will pick myself up and continue on my journey to a happy and healthy me.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

and the reason...

So I show my goals for 2011 to my husband and he says "what about me?".  That is MY point!  I am stretched so thin and getting so stressed out by trying to take care of everybody else that I have no time to take care of me.  When I do, I just veg in front of the TV or play stupid games on facebook and get nothing accomplished other than tuning out reality for a few hours.

By putting myself first I will be better able to care for others when they NEED it.  I am NOT sacrificing myself, my sanity and my health for anybody anymore.  I am no good to others if I cant even take care of myself.

Bless his heart, he actually understood and is thinking about doing the same thing.  Whether he does or not, I am sticking to my plan.

Bye bye resolutions... HELLO GOALS

Body Mind Spirit
Journal More
  • have fun
  • color
  • explore
  • collage
  • create
  • learn
Mediate
  • relax
  • breath
  • calm
  • focus
  • get to know me
  • read
Eat Better
  • Shaokology
  • veggies
  • fruit
  • water
  • portion sizes
Move More
  • walk
  • healthy
  • play
  • stretch
  • stand not sit
  • enjoy
Focus on a better and happier ME!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Ritalin Rescue

For years nobody believed me if I said I thought something was wrong.  The first few years they said he couldn't be ADHD because he doesn't get in trouble.  Then when he starts getting in trouble they say it is because I am a bad mom and I have no right to make up a condition to try and excuse he behavioir.  Same people that told me nothing was wrong said I was neglectful for not getting him on medication sooner.  Assholes.

Years of trying diet, exercise, vitamins, anything but drugs... we broke down and got the kid drugs.  Concerta. 

I have spent so much time beng called a bad mother by teachers, cops, etc.  After 3 days of drama with insurance company we finally get to pick up the meds.  Nice grandmotherly pharmacy lady comes to talk to us and is shocked that he hasn't been given medication before the age of 17, then she tells me I am a good mother for handling it the way I have for so long.  Good mother?  I've heard it twice in the last few months, I cried both times.

First 48 hours, amazing.  We can have conversations without me repeating everything at least three times, he goes to bed and falls asleep, wakes up in the morning, does chores and homework.  No fidgeting, no paranoia, no twitching, constant movement is gone, the kid can sit still and relax.

He has a checkup on the 20th, we will see how things are progressing then.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

from the frying pan into the fire

Does this really end?  People keep telling me so but I don't know if I believe it anymore.

We have gone from petty theft, stupid bull shit that is not even a crime (but once in trouble always in trouble), gang related crimes, more bull shit, drinking, pot, now this?  I didn't think there was anything left but I was WRONG AGAIN.

When will I learn.  How can we expect our kids learn and be able to teach them if we can't even keep up or imagine the problems that come up next? 

Somedays I think I am the worst mother in the world, or at least the stupidest.

THEN the courts tell you they are designed to help... that is what they say just before tossing 3 road blocks and a hurdle made of barb wire in your path.

I am not even allowed to take my kid to the doctor because it is not an "emergency" yet I can't bring him home because he is a danger to himself?  WTF?